Birthdays

How do you feel about your birthday?  Are you excited about it? Do you enjoy your day or do you treat it like a chore and "just another day"?

Growing up birthdays were pretty special in our house.  After all it was the day you came into our house and our lives. Parties were planned gorgeous handmade cakes were masterfully created by my Mom and the day and sometimes the whole week was a celebration for each of us in my family.  My birthday is right in the middle of summer. Or at least the middle of the time off from school. It was difficult to get classmates to attend a party when you're mid summer but that never stopped my Mom from making it special.

Maybe it's me but I've never grown out of that as an adult. I still want to be celebrated and made to feel special on my birthday. But no one does. Not even my Mom anymore. It makes me sad. It's unfair that because most people don't like birthdays I have to accept that and just ignore my day. That's the "adult" thing to do. I never work on my birthday I refuse. It's my day and I want to make it special. But most of the time my actual birthday is spent moping the day away while a few texts and a call here or there and a bunch of Facebook wishes do help. It's nice but no one asks to take me out even just for ice cream. I spend the day alone. I don't need a party but it would be nice if someone just made a plan to make that day special. It's not that I don't try and make the day special for others but it's often shunned or sloughed off because they don't like birthdays. Maybe I don't make enough effort to celebrate them because I assume their husband or wife or children will make their day. When you're single there isn't anyone.

When did birthdays become a bad thing? Shouldn't there be one day to celebrate and be all about you? I don't know I guess maybe I'm wrong. But it would be nice if more people got excited for their birthdays. I don't need a parade. But please don't disregard me because you don't like your birthday.

Some Questions, Some Answers

1. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I will defend my friend, I cannot stand to hear people speak ill of someone.
   
2. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Love fully. Always.
   
3. Would you break the law to save a loved one? This is a tough one, but my answer is probably yes, I would do anything for those I love.
   
4. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I can't say as I have, I generally see a lot of insanity but little creativity lol
   
5. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? I'm not sure there is any particular thing I do different than anyone else... but then again everything I do may be different than everyone else. Hmmm. Mind bending...
   

Wordless Wednesday

10 Questions/10 Answers

In an effort to make my blog more interesting to write and ultimately more interesting to read I will answer ten questions today since I have the time and the motivation! The questions will be from this list:
50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind originally I was directed to these questions by posts from my friend's blog: Noise With Dirt (check her out, she's totes funny, sweet, interesting and inspiring.)

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Some days I feel like I am 18 and other days I feel 102, but if I had to settle on an age I would say about 22. I feel way younger than my actual age most of the time, perhaps because I'm one of the youngest at my work and I often feel I've yet to mature in many ways. I still feel like I'm waiting to grow up.
   
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? I struggle with this, no one likes to be a failure myself included and often times I will not do something rather than fail at it, especially if it is sports related. I want to go back to school but am scared I will fail so I haven't taken that first step yet. It's definitely worse not to try.
   
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? It's a trade off, we all have to do things we don't like, pay bills, go to work, leave our loved ones, children etc... unless one is very fortunate to be born incredibly well off we all have to do what we have to, to do what we want later. Some of us never get a later, and that's unfortunate. Blessed are those who do what they love every day. The rest of us have to find a balance. Life is fleeting, never seems that way when we are young but the older we become the faster it flies by.
   
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope I will have done more than I've said, but as verbose as I am, I'm sure I will have said way more. I am trying to do more for others and more for myself as it's important to not neglect yourself and truly I'm guilty of forgetting myself.
   
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I would want everyone to be free and have the freedoms that I take for granted daily. I don't think any of us realize how blessed we are in the USA.
   
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Nursing. If I could become a nurse I know I would finally have a job that would be impossibly hard at times and exhausting but rewarding beyond measure. Ideally I would be a hospice or elder nurse. I only wish I would have listened to others when I first went to college and pursued it then, perhaps I would have finished and truly be fulfilling my calling.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I am completely settling. Without a doubt, my job pays the bills (barely) it is neither exciting or fulfilling. I am envious and almost in awe of those who are inspired and driven by what they do for a living. I am not my job and my job is not my life. I wish that were different, but perhaps one day it will be.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Well crap at almost 38 I would have probably accepted that proposal at 23. But seriously I don't know, everything I've done or haven't done has led to this point and honestly I'm happy, truly. Sure things are still up in the air, but for once I'm not treading water, I feel like I can touch the bottom and I'm not drowning.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? 360 degrees... I don't believe in predestination or destiny. I truly believe we were created and given free will. If someone or some Being is controlling or driving this ship than I can just sit back and no do anything right? I'll still end up in the same place with the same results. Wouldn't that be insane to think, no matter what you do, you'll end up in the same place? How depressing. I haven't always made the wisest choices or taken the best path, but I own them, they're mine. Good, bad or indifferent this is where I am and who I am. I'm always a work in progress.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Ah yet another struggle. I am a perfectionist at times, but I do always try to do the right thing. I try to do everything to the best of my ability and to never do something at the expense of others.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

So I know I promised like a dozen posts, I had something yesterday I wanted to blog and dang if I can remember it... I don't want to be that girl that finds herself a guy and suddenly all her blog posts and Tweets and Facebook updates are lovey dovey... cause well that's not terrible, but let's be honest a bit gag worthy. lol But I had the first decent Valentine's Day in a really long time, so long I can't even remember that last time I had a decent one. I know some don't like the day saying it's all BS and only for the pockets of the flower/card/candy companies etc... and while that may have some validity I truly have never been down on the day even when I've been single, which let's be honest has been more often than not. I think it's sweet to give a little something extra on that day to your sweetie or even your friends/family.

My Valentine and I didn't discuss the impending day. Our relationship is relatively new and while it's going really well, we aren't at the "love" stage just yet and it's hard to navigate that day without saying too much. I knew I was going to give him a card and something else, but I honestly didn't expect or need anything from him. Boy was I going to be surprised. He has his children every Tuesday so I knew we wouldn't be spending it together which in truth is all I really need that day or any day. I bought him 2 cards, one was an inside joke from my cat and I wrote something from the heart on the inside of the other one. I also bought him some peanut butter hearts, and Nerds candy and a NERD shirt from The Nerd Machine because he must assimilate. He loved all of it. We had a date night Monday night 2/13/12 and he greeted me at the door with a kiss and as he closed the door he turned and hidden behind his back he handed me a dozen long stem red roses. I was stunned speechless which if you've met me is quite the feat. I honestly had no words. They were the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Brings tears to my eyes right now just thinking about it. They are still beautiful a week later. That moment will bring a smile to my face a hundred years from now. I don't even know if he knows how much that meant. I don't even know if I could express it to him. Sigh. Yeah I know... lol

Wow

30 days...

Fast forward through 10 amazing dates... which I won't bore you with like the first date redux... haha. Yes I am seeing the most amazing guy from that first date. The computer matched us superbly well. From the goofiest nerdiest things to simple things,like I love tomatoes, he hates them, bonus for me I get all the 'maters!!! lol I am so enjoying getting to know him. I truly couldn't be happier or more content. For the first time ever in my life I am content with him and when I am not with him. I've never experienced that peace before. Certainly my preference is to be in the same room with him, even with just my feet tucked under him while I read and he works on his laptop, but even when I can't be I'm not spazzy and in a panic feeling like I have to spend every free available moment with him. It's amazing what happens when a man is open and honest and treats me well. I'm like a completely different person. Not with my friends that know me I'm always myself, but with men in the past, there was always a long period of distrust. I'm not a particularly trusting person especially with my heart. But I feel so blessed and truly honored to have met this person. I know we are both still sort of trying to adjust to having someone in our lives that wants to be there and is consistent and honest and open. I don't know that it's something either of us have had either ever or in a really long while. I'm not over thinking things like I usually do, I'm just enjoying every moment. I honestly can't express how that makes me feel. I can't believe tomorrow is only a month since our first date. It seems so much longer, in the best way. Sigh... 3 months ago I didn't think I would ever stop hurting. I thought I was truly broken and destined to remain so forever. Now I have someone who looks forward to seeing me and texts me just to say he misses me face. I don't know what the future holds, but I truly hope that he's by my side holding my hand. <3

Seriously

I have like a dozen posts to publish... just have to, you know get them out of my head and onto here...

My Nerdy Valentine

I received the most beautiful roses from a wonderful guy last night. Speechless. I've had little sleep but I am buoyant today. I can't stop smiling. I couldn't be happier. More fill in posts later... sorry I've been a slacker.

Overwhelmed

So I turned off the matching, I don't know if I mentioned that before... kind of can't multitask men... I know I probably should date a whole bunch at the same time, but I just can't, it's not me. I can't divert my attention or affections to multiple people. I don't know how to juggle. So for now I'm just going to take them one at a time... but to be honest only one has followed through or made any effort whatsoever to get to know me or meet me, so he's the one I want to focus my attention on at the moment... we have another date tomorrow. I'm really excited.

Let go

Yes Jessica, get out of your own damn head and just be in the moment. Anyone else struggle with this?

First Date Redux

*I wrote this and apparently never published it... whoops...


So last night I had my first date with one of my matches from the dating site. We met at a Mexican place somewhat equidistant from our respective homes. Probably a bit closer to me, but that's ok. I was early as always and he was on time. Big plus I dislike chronic tardiness. We had spoken on the phone a couple times already so I felt fairly comfortable to be in his company and he had half jokingly/seriously said we both had the option to bail in the first 10 minutes of meeting without repercussions. The no harm, no foul clause in our date contract. lol He parked next to me and I waited to get out of the car as it was icy and I didn't want to bust my ass in the parking lot, he came around and I got out of my car and he offered his arm and we proceeded past the icy parts. He smelled nice. Tall, adorable with an easy smile. I gave him a hug when we were on dry ground (I'm a hugger) and we proceeded into the restaurant. He held the doors etc, very much a gentleman. After we were shown to our table I asked him if he was ready to bail or do he still need the 6 more minutes, and he replied that he was good, and did I need to bail? I replied that I was very good. He had teased on the phone to wear something low cut on our first date, so I of course wore a zippered up jacket that was to my neck... which he jokingly pouted about but when I unzipped it I was wearing a scoop neck shirt. Nothing low cut, but if you've ever met me, there's cleavage in everything I wear unless it's a turtleneck. He of course commented on my eyes earlier because I had said on my profile that I wished people would notice my eyes. He had inquired on the phone what that meant and I said after you meet me you'll know why. Well after I unzipped my jacket he said oh yah, I see why no one notices your eyes and laughed. (I'm a busty gal) So we looked at the menus, I wasn't nervous and he didn't seem nervous. We sort of checked each other out coyly while we selected our dinner. Conversation was easy, same as it was by phone. We finished our meals and I managed not to drop anything on my shirt. YAY!!! And then we chatted a while he paid, (score) and then we proceeded to head to the movie theater. He followed me and we parked somewhat a distance apart, I waited for him and he walked up and took my hand (aww) and we walked into the theater. I already felt cozy with him, we both seem to be affectionate "touchy feely" type people which is good. We saw Underworld 3D and he held my hand the entire movie, which was sweet. The theater conveniently had the arms that you can put up so we were able to snuggle close. The movie ended and we chatted while everyone else filed out then we filed out. Riding the escalators down he leaned over my shoulder and whispered in my ear that I was beautiful and smelled nice. (squee, blush) We used the restrooms before we left and then walked out, he took my hand again and it was sort of unconscious that we both reached out. We walked to my car and he said he didn't want the date to end and did I want to grab a drink and I said sure, he started to walk away and then came back and kissed me. Said he'd been thinking about that since he saw my picture, and then he kissed me again. Very nice. We went to another restaurant close by and had a beer and chatted. He held my hands across the table and it was really comfy and nice. Afterwards we kissed some more in the parking lot and parted. I really like him. He's sweet and funny and smart and he makes me laugh. We made plans to see each other on Wednesday. Guess we'll see...

Dating ADD...

So the grand total so far... 114 matches... yes, that's how many I have received since January 2nd. Number of matches I have actually spoken to either by email or phone: 2. Number who have actually followed up after said phone call: 1. Anybody know what the ratio is there, I'm not great at math. Seriously? I'm so bored with this process. I have all these pending communications in various stages. Perhaps they are as overwhelmed with matches and this process as I am. I have turned the matching off for now, because the matches are becoming less and less what I would want matched with me. No offense but I think their match program is scraping the barrel at this point. I honestly don't know where any of this will lead. My gut feeling is a lot of nowhere. At least it's not all on me this time... I can't seem to even make it work with people who are at least committed to finding long term relationships. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. It has only been 2 weeks and the process is designed to drag out. And I'm still struggling with how to be interested without invested. I'm disappointed one great phone call was not followed up with another call or at least some sort of communication. At least the other phone call was appreciated and some follow up did occur. I guess even with help, it's all a crap shoot. Hey look a squirrel!!!!

Losing my religion...

Yes, I just lost my religion hanging 3 curtain rods. My house is old, 122 years old, it is quirky and leans to one side and has plaster walls, they are infinitely difficult to hang things from them... I cursed and screamed and finally got them mostly all hung. Yes I get angry at things I can't control with inanimate objects. Sue me... I'm Irish, can't help the temper and I am also very much my father's daughter. Anyway, 3 of the 4 rods are up. I have quite a few wall repairs to do and some paint touch up, but then that's the life of home ownership. There is never NOT something that needs to be cleaned, repaired or done in this house. Sometimes, no most of the time, it's overwhelming to me. I'm pretty handy and there isn't much I won't attempt, but it's usually accompanied by colorful language. Fortunately just the cats have to suffer most of the time. I would say I feel a sense of accomplishment, but right now I'm just tired, and I still have to clean up the plaster dust and vacuum the upstairs in general. Mom is coming over tomorrow and she will be most displeased at the condition of my upstairs at the moment. If I didn't need her opinion on said curtain rods, it wouldn't matter. Sigh...

Procrastination... more on this later

Procrastinate:
transitive verb

: to put off intentionally and habitually

intransitive verb

: to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done

— pro·cras·ti·na·tion noun

— pro·cras·ti·na·tor noun

Yep, I definitely am the poster child for this word. I don't know why I put things off, I just do. Things that need to be done, should be done. I'm always thinking, meh I can do that tomorrow, or the next day or next week at the latest. I don't do it with EVERYTHING but with too many things. Perhaps I should have put this on the list of things to change in 2012. Meh maybe next year.

So today I am procrastinating making a phone call. Not that I don't want to, not that I'm not interested. I just don't really like talking on the phone. But it needs to be done. It'll be fine once I make the call. Sigh... anyone have a cure for a procrastinator?

I am Number 3

Yay for Saturdays!!!! too bad I didn't really sleep in like I wanted. I cleaned a good bit today, and even sorted out my toolbox which was a travesty. Did all my laundry and fixed my storm door and a few other "honey do" projects around my house. Lots more that need to be done, but meh... I'll get to them. I am woman hear me roar! It's not easy being a homeowner by yourself. No one to fix things, lift heavy items or share the burden or bills. There are days I completely regret buying a home. When something breaks or doesn't work, it's on me and my thin checkbook to fix it, or let it sit. Other days I'm so grateful that I have my own quiet space. Just me and the kitties and it's a reflection of me, mostly on the inside, can't afford to do much to the outside other than the gardens, and it's all mine. Well the banks mostly but they let me stay here, for a fee. I kind of checked out of caring about the house when I got back from California. I was kinda mad that I couldn't just break a lease, or leave when a lease was up and move. The housing market is not great, so selling isn't a great option right now. I'd lose my shirt, pants and shoes. So I just have to recommit myself to the house and making and keeping it the "little jewel box" that my Mom calls it. Ah my Mom, she's good people, I need to write a post about her. Anyway, back to Sons of Anarchy, I am completely addicted to this show now.

63 Matches?

I know... I can't believe it either... bonus though one gave me his phone number. Now I just have to use it. I know I know. I will... tomorrow.

LOL

FIFTY SIX!!!!

Yes I am up to 56 matches total... of course I've lost a few too but that's ok. What's the boy version of a harem? lol

Costochon...what now?

COSTOCHONDRITIS

Yep, all my coughing from bronchitis has flared this up again. Ugh, last night and now today I feel like someone is stabbing me in the sternum. Good times, good times. Every time I cough now, agony. I laugh when it says I should refrain from physical activity so as not to flare it up... yeah I'll use that excuse for not working out. NOT. I must keep moving till I can't...

365 Photos

I am going to attempt to take and or post photographs I have taken, every day for a year. So far I've done 5 on my Google+ account. So far though the pictures haven't been that thrilling. haha

Self Evaluation

It's always good to take a step back and take a look at yourself. Sometimes it's not always easy to be objective. Friends and family can't always be objective either so you often need a stranger to sort of put you in perspective. See yourself through their eyes.

This whole dating thing is certainly providing that in spades. It's given me an enormous amount of feedback just seeing me, on paper (so-to-speak) and what I have to offer or lack thereof. I realize that I don't have any hobbies, except for the enormous amount of TV I watch and perusing the interwebs and tweeting and google+ing and the facebooking I used to do. And now the blogging. Yeah those don't look great when you're competing with people who are outdoorsey, fit and active. lol

Ah well, I am who I am. I'm a homebody. I enjoy my myriad of television shows, (DVR was the worst invention ever for a TV addict like me) and I love the friends I've made on Twitter and spending time reading my friends blogs and now blogging of my own. Hopefully there is someone out there who is interested in doing nothing with me and being perfectly content with it and me.

*and yes I enjoy making up verbs to describe my "active life at home"

I am Number 4

In an effort to "Be a better date" I am trying the online dating thing again. It's a been a whole tsunami of sadness over here in Jessicaland lately. So to try and heal my broken heart and move on with my life I'm trying it out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Match count so far: 49 Yes, 49.

There are apparently 49 males in a 30 mile radius that match me 29 different ways. Yeah I can't imagine it either. Last time I did this particular site I only ever got 3 matches in 30 days, I've been on this since 1/2/12 and I've gotten 49! I feel so popular!!! (yay me!)

I have of course closed a few and had a few close on me. That's expected. I talking with 12 and 27 that I've done nothing with and and obviously 10 that have been closed. Now the communication is all structured and secure so I'm not actually directly speaking with any of them. So far there are only 2 out of the 12 that haven't stalled out, the rest are sort of in a holding pattern. Perhaps they have as many matches as I have and are wading through them like me. I have an app on my Droid which makes it easier to check in and/or obsess over during the work day.

I don't have an opinion one way or another about any of my matches, except for the ones I decided to close. I am struggling with the be breezy and open and interested without being truly interested and attached. I don't know that I'm the type of girl who can date multiple fellas at one time, but I'm willing to give it a try.

A good friend of mine asked today how I was going to handle all these men. I said: One at a time. She laughed.

Why I left Facebook...

On 12/30/11 I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I know, crazy right? I had my heart broken a couple weeks earlier and it had just become a place of despair for me. I could see everyone's lives, children, husbands, wives etc... loving, living, enjoying life and here I was devastated and broken. It just wasn't where I wanted to be. I did not want to see everyone's New Year's Plans or what have you while I was so sad. It just became a constant reminder of what I had not achieved. I had already limited my posts and had not really signed into it since Christmas, so I felt it was time to say goodbye for now. I always use New Year's to sort of evaluate where I am in life, where I'm headed, what I want for the future. This year it came down on me like a ton of bricks that I had wasted the last 17 years, just wished them away.

So now it's been a week and I have to say I really don't miss Facebook. Sure there are some things and some people I miss. But overall I don't miss the anxiety that it seemed to be causing me. I'm much happier and have more time on my hands now that I've broken up with Facebook. I will probably go back eventually, but right now I'm enjoying the absence.

I've been seeing other social networking sites since my breakup with Facebook. I find Twitter is far more fun when you actually interact with people. I've also been checking out Google+. It's definitely different but I feel more freedom there in some ways.

New Year, New Me?

So I've decided to make some changes this year. Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? I can't expect different results if I keep doing the same things. So... I'm not calling them resolutions, but they are new commitments to myself...

1. Be healthier - eat better, and by that I mean a more conscious effort into what I am eating and how much . I am now using this app on my phone to track my calories My Fitness Pal
2. Be more physically active - I am entirely too sedentary (as I sit here in my comfy bed writing on my laptop) I need to add some physical activity to my daily life even if it is just some kettlebell swings (more on that in a later post)
3. Be a better housekeeper - good Lord have I gotten lazy about my house. Sure it's tidy but I could be much better about the dust bunnies I see rolling across the floors like tumbleweeds
4. Be a better date - yeah just another thing I have been 7 years lazy about, sure I've dated but I have not had a relationship in forever. (more on this in a later post)
5. Be more me - no easy task... you'd think at almost 38 I'd have that down by now

So these are my commitments, all in the present tense. Hopefully I will stay on track. So far... so good. But it's only day 1. LOL