Overwhelmed

So I turned off the matching, I don't know if I mentioned that before... kind of can't multitask men... I know I probably should date a whole bunch at the same time, but I just can't, it's not me. I can't divert my attention or affections to multiple people. I don't know how to juggle. So for now I'm just going to take them one at a time... but to be honest only one has followed through or made any effort whatsoever to get to know me or meet me, so he's the one I want to focus my attention on at the moment... we have another date tomorrow. I'm really excited.

Let go

Yes Jessica, get out of your own damn head and just be in the moment. Anyone else struggle with this?

First Date Redux

*I wrote this and apparently never published it... whoops...


So last night I had my first date with one of my matches from the dating site. We met at a Mexican place somewhat equidistant from our respective homes. Probably a bit closer to me, but that's ok. I was early as always and he was on time. Big plus I dislike chronic tardiness. We had spoken on the phone a couple times already so I felt fairly comfortable to be in his company and he had half jokingly/seriously said we both had the option to bail in the first 10 minutes of meeting without repercussions. The no harm, no foul clause in our date contract. lol He parked next to me and I waited to get out of the car as it was icy and I didn't want to bust my ass in the parking lot, he came around and I got out of my car and he offered his arm and we proceeded past the icy parts. He smelled nice. Tall, adorable with an easy smile. I gave him a hug when we were on dry ground (I'm a hugger) and we proceeded into the restaurant. He held the doors etc, very much a gentleman. After we were shown to our table I asked him if he was ready to bail or do he still need the 6 more minutes, and he replied that he was good, and did I need to bail? I replied that I was very good. He had teased on the phone to wear something low cut on our first date, so I of course wore a zippered up jacket that was to my neck... which he jokingly pouted about but when I unzipped it I was wearing a scoop neck shirt. Nothing low cut, but if you've ever met me, there's cleavage in everything I wear unless it's a turtleneck. He of course commented on my eyes earlier because I had said on my profile that I wished people would notice my eyes. He had inquired on the phone what that meant and I said after you meet me you'll know why. Well after I unzipped my jacket he said oh yah, I see why no one notices your eyes and laughed. (I'm a busty gal) So we looked at the menus, I wasn't nervous and he didn't seem nervous. We sort of checked each other out coyly while we selected our dinner. Conversation was easy, same as it was by phone. We finished our meals and I managed not to drop anything on my shirt. YAY!!! And then we chatted a while he paid, (score) and then we proceeded to head to the movie theater. He followed me and we parked somewhat a distance apart, I waited for him and he walked up and took my hand (aww) and we walked into the theater. I already felt cozy with him, we both seem to be affectionate "touchy feely" type people which is good. We saw Underworld 3D and he held my hand the entire movie, which was sweet. The theater conveniently had the arms that you can put up so we were able to snuggle close. The movie ended and we chatted while everyone else filed out then we filed out. Riding the escalators down he leaned over my shoulder and whispered in my ear that I was beautiful and smelled nice. (squee, blush) We used the restrooms before we left and then walked out, he took my hand again and it was sort of unconscious that we both reached out. We walked to my car and he said he didn't want the date to end and did I want to grab a drink and I said sure, he started to walk away and then came back and kissed me. Said he'd been thinking about that since he saw my picture, and then he kissed me again. Very nice. We went to another restaurant close by and had a beer and chatted. He held my hands across the table and it was really comfy and nice. Afterwards we kissed some more in the parking lot and parted. I really like him. He's sweet and funny and smart and he makes me laugh. We made plans to see each other on Wednesday. Guess we'll see...

Dating ADD...

So the grand total so far... 114 matches... yes, that's how many I have received since January 2nd. Number of matches I have actually spoken to either by email or phone: 2. Number who have actually followed up after said phone call: 1. Anybody know what the ratio is there, I'm not great at math. Seriously? I'm so bored with this process. I have all these pending communications in various stages. Perhaps they are as overwhelmed with matches and this process as I am. I have turned the matching off for now, because the matches are becoming less and less what I would want matched with me. No offense but I think their match program is scraping the barrel at this point. I honestly don't know where any of this will lead. My gut feeling is a lot of nowhere. At least it's not all on me this time... I can't seem to even make it work with people who are at least committed to finding long term relationships. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. It has only been 2 weeks and the process is designed to drag out. And I'm still struggling with how to be interested without invested. I'm disappointed one great phone call was not followed up with another call or at least some sort of communication. At least the other phone call was appreciated and some follow up did occur. I guess even with help, it's all a crap shoot. Hey look a squirrel!!!!

Losing my religion...

Yes, I just lost my religion hanging 3 curtain rods. My house is old, 122 years old, it is quirky and leans to one side and has plaster walls, they are infinitely difficult to hang things from them... I cursed and screamed and finally got them mostly all hung. Yes I get angry at things I can't control with inanimate objects. Sue me... I'm Irish, can't help the temper and I am also very much my father's daughter. Anyway, 3 of the 4 rods are up. I have quite a few wall repairs to do and some paint touch up, but then that's the life of home ownership. There is never NOT something that needs to be cleaned, repaired or done in this house. Sometimes, no most of the time, it's overwhelming to me. I'm pretty handy and there isn't much I won't attempt, but it's usually accompanied by colorful language. Fortunately just the cats have to suffer most of the time. I would say I feel a sense of accomplishment, but right now I'm just tired, and I still have to clean up the plaster dust and vacuum the upstairs in general. Mom is coming over tomorrow and she will be most displeased at the condition of my upstairs at the moment. If I didn't need her opinion on said curtain rods, it wouldn't matter. Sigh...

Procrastination... more on this later

Procrastinate:
transitive verb

: to put off intentionally and habitually

intransitive verb

: to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done

— pro·cras·ti·na·tion noun

— pro·cras·ti·na·tor noun

Yep, I definitely am the poster child for this word. I don't know why I put things off, I just do. Things that need to be done, should be done. I'm always thinking, meh I can do that tomorrow, or the next day or next week at the latest. I don't do it with EVERYTHING but with too many things. Perhaps I should have put this on the list of things to change in 2012. Meh maybe next year.

So today I am procrastinating making a phone call. Not that I don't want to, not that I'm not interested. I just don't really like talking on the phone. But it needs to be done. It'll be fine once I make the call. Sigh... anyone have a cure for a procrastinator?

I am Number 3

Yay for Saturdays!!!! too bad I didn't really sleep in like I wanted. I cleaned a good bit today, and even sorted out my toolbox which was a travesty. Did all my laundry and fixed my storm door and a few other "honey do" projects around my house. Lots more that need to be done, but meh... I'll get to them. I am woman hear me roar! It's not easy being a homeowner by yourself. No one to fix things, lift heavy items or share the burden or bills. There are days I completely regret buying a home. When something breaks or doesn't work, it's on me and my thin checkbook to fix it, or let it sit. Other days I'm so grateful that I have my own quiet space. Just me and the kitties and it's a reflection of me, mostly on the inside, can't afford to do much to the outside other than the gardens, and it's all mine. Well the banks mostly but they let me stay here, for a fee. I kind of checked out of caring about the house when I got back from California. I was kinda mad that I couldn't just break a lease, or leave when a lease was up and move. The housing market is not great, so selling isn't a great option right now. I'd lose my shirt, pants and shoes. So I just have to recommit myself to the house and making and keeping it the "little jewel box" that my Mom calls it. Ah my Mom, she's good people, I need to write a post about her. Anyway, back to Sons of Anarchy, I am completely addicted to this show now.

63 Matches?

I know... I can't believe it either... bonus though one gave me his phone number. Now I just have to use it. I know I know. I will... tomorrow.

LOL

FIFTY SIX!!!!

Yes I am up to 56 matches total... of course I've lost a few too but that's ok. What's the boy version of a harem? lol

Costochon...what now?

COSTOCHONDRITIS

Yep, all my coughing from bronchitis has flared this up again. Ugh, last night and now today I feel like someone is stabbing me in the sternum. Good times, good times. Every time I cough now, agony. I laugh when it says I should refrain from physical activity so as not to flare it up... yeah I'll use that excuse for not working out. NOT. I must keep moving till I can't...

365 Photos

I am going to attempt to take and or post photographs I have taken, every day for a year. So far I've done 5 on my Google+ account. So far though the pictures haven't been that thrilling. haha

Self Evaluation

It's always good to take a step back and take a look at yourself. Sometimes it's not always easy to be objective. Friends and family can't always be objective either so you often need a stranger to sort of put you in perspective. See yourself through their eyes.

This whole dating thing is certainly providing that in spades. It's given me an enormous amount of feedback just seeing me, on paper (so-to-speak) and what I have to offer or lack thereof. I realize that I don't have any hobbies, except for the enormous amount of TV I watch and perusing the interwebs and tweeting and google+ing and the facebooking I used to do. And now the blogging. Yeah those don't look great when you're competing with people who are outdoorsey, fit and active. lol

Ah well, I am who I am. I'm a homebody. I enjoy my myriad of television shows, (DVR was the worst invention ever for a TV addict like me) and I love the friends I've made on Twitter and spending time reading my friends blogs and now blogging of my own. Hopefully there is someone out there who is interested in doing nothing with me and being perfectly content with it and me.

*and yes I enjoy making up verbs to describe my "active life at home"

I am Number 4

In an effort to "Be a better date" I am trying the online dating thing again. It's a been a whole tsunami of sadness over here in Jessicaland lately. So to try and heal my broken heart and move on with my life I'm trying it out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Match count so far: 49 Yes, 49.

There are apparently 49 males in a 30 mile radius that match me 29 different ways. Yeah I can't imagine it either. Last time I did this particular site I only ever got 3 matches in 30 days, I've been on this since 1/2/12 and I've gotten 49! I feel so popular!!! (yay me!)

I have of course closed a few and had a few close on me. That's expected. I talking with 12 and 27 that I've done nothing with and and obviously 10 that have been closed. Now the communication is all structured and secure so I'm not actually directly speaking with any of them. So far there are only 2 out of the 12 that haven't stalled out, the rest are sort of in a holding pattern. Perhaps they have as many matches as I have and are wading through them like me. I have an app on my Droid which makes it easier to check in and/or obsess over during the work day.

I don't have an opinion one way or another about any of my matches, except for the ones I decided to close. I am struggling with the be breezy and open and interested without being truly interested and attached. I don't know that I'm the type of girl who can date multiple fellas at one time, but I'm willing to give it a try.

A good friend of mine asked today how I was going to handle all these men. I said: One at a time. She laughed.

Why I left Facebook...

On 12/30/11 I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I know, crazy right? I had my heart broken a couple weeks earlier and it had just become a place of despair for me. I could see everyone's lives, children, husbands, wives etc... loving, living, enjoying life and here I was devastated and broken. It just wasn't where I wanted to be. I did not want to see everyone's New Year's Plans or what have you while I was so sad. It just became a constant reminder of what I had not achieved. I had already limited my posts and had not really signed into it since Christmas, so I felt it was time to say goodbye for now. I always use New Year's to sort of evaluate where I am in life, where I'm headed, what I want for the future. This year it came down on me like a ton of bricks that I had wasted the last 17 years, just wished them away.

So now it's been a week and I have to say I really don't miss Facebook. Sure there are some things and some people I miss. But overall I don't miss the anxiety that it seemed to be causing me. I'm much happier and have more time on my hands now that I've broken up with Facebook. I will probably go back eventually, but right now I'm enjoying the absence.

I've been seeing other social networking sites since my breakup with Facebook. I find Twitter is far more fun when you actually interact with people. I've also been checking out Google+. It's definitely different but I feel more freedom there in some ways.

New Year, New Me?

So I've decided to make some changes this year. Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? I can't expect different results if I keep doing the same things. So... I'm not calling them resolutions, but they are new commitments to myself...

1. Be healthier - eat better, and by that I mean a more conscious effort into what I am eating and how much . I am now using this app on my phone to track my calories My Fitness Pal
2. Be more physically active - I am entirely too sedentary (as I sit here in my comfy bed writing on my laptop) I need to add some physical activity to my daily life even if it is just some kettlebell swings (more on that in a later post)
3. Be a better housekeeper - good Lord have I gotten lazy about my house. Sure it's tidy but I could be much better about the dust bunnies I see rolling across the floors like tumbleweeds
4. Be a better date - yeah just another thing I have been 7 years lazy about, sure I've dated but I have not had a relationship in forever. (more on this in a later post)
5. Be more me - no easy task... you'd think at almost 38 I'd have that down by now

So these are my commitments, all in the present tense. Hopefully I will stay on track. So far... so good. But it's only day 1. LOL